A letter to Bea1

Trisya darling,

I remember something happened one evening, and I'd keep on telling you the same story over and over.

You were so excited that for the first time you manage to print out on your own some Barney colouring sheets from the computer at papa's office. Papa helped to clip them together and you brought them home.

I knew you just could not wait to start colouring. We were done with dinner and you looked for your colour pencils. You have many but only one was sharp enough to use. And Beasyara and you got into a fight for it.

I was busy in the kitchen, and papa was also busy....watching the TV.

You tried to get the attention of one of us but I just had to finish what I was doing.

You gave in but you sulked. I could tell from your face, from the way you put both arms across you chest.

But it was a bit late, and I told you that I was frying some keropok ikan and anchovies for Alang. I felt bad as I told him that I'd brought the food that day but I just could not make it. I prepared a lot to last for a few days. I had to get everything ready before going to bed so that we didn't have to rush the next morning.

And you had known that Alang is sick. Not just because he vomitted (like what you saw me did after baby Beanisha came out in the hospital), it is a lot more than that. I tried to explain and I always said that I'd explain more when you are bigger.

The medicine that the doctors gave Alang makes him uncomfortable and he can't take a lot of things, but luckily he is ok with keropok and anchovies.

Remember suddenly we have lots of mangoes in the fridge, that's because it is the only fruit Alang can take.

Remember sometimes I told Ibu that I'd be a little late as I went to see Alang. After awhile I stop telling as Ibu knows that I'd be late for a lot more days as Alang just has to stay there for a long time.

Remember during days when papa and mama don't go to work and we go out. We have to wait in the car at the hospital and papa leaves us for awhile to see Alang. I know you and Beasyara always insist to 'ikut' but papa said no, as kids are not allowed. Tell you what, one of these days, I'd sneak you in. I'm sure you'll be a good girl and Alang will be happy to see you.

And remember everytime we drive infront of the hospital to your school, I'd mentioned that Alang is in the hospital. You'd ask "Alang sakit ke?", and yes Trisya Alang is sick but we are all praying for him....everybody is praying for him.

You know, when Alang slipped into a coma for the first time, you were just a little baby. In the bright morning sunshine, you gave me a grin. And there it was, your first tooth sprouting from the gum. I called papa to let him know. Amidst the tears, worry, sadness, anxiety, you gave us a reason to have smiles on our faces.

And once in a while, we have Alang staying with us. You made me laugh when you showed me your first drawing of all of us in the family. Beanisha was not around yet but there were 5 in the drawing. I asked who the 5th one was. It was Alang.

And after I was done with packing the keropok, I tried to look for other sharp pencils. We used to have a sharpener but we have lost it. I will get another one soon.

I pulled your little chair and table, and let you colour. Beasyara would not bother you as she was almost asleep with papa. I let you colour while I finished a few other chores, it didn't matter if you were late to school the next day.

I'm still sorry that you sulked so much that night, but mama just got things to be done for Alang. We will talk about this over and over as you grow up and me grow old;).

I love you.

love and smooches
mama

footnote
Alang is the girls' uncle, and he is battling the big C. Ibu is their babysitter.