Monday, January 07, 2008

My thoughts are with my parents

Whenever I have nightmares,I would kind of try to run away from it, sometimes when I realise that it is only a dream (in between being half asleep, half awake) I would try to wake myself up and once it is over, I'd just be grateful and thank God over and over. Been doing it since I was a small kid.

And for the first time in my life, since my sister's death I still think that I could only be dreaming, and her death is just a nightmare. It may sound silly, but I still try to 'wake up' sometimes. It is different with my BIL who died after battling cancer for 5 years, this happened in just two weeks. We didn't even fight the cancer.

It is heartbreaking knowing that my 5-year-old niece still thinks her mama is at the hospital, despite all that we'd done. Talking to her, letting her see her mom being bathed and prepared for the funeral. Could it be that she is in denial? Someone said to me today, for a young girl that age, it might not be the case. If she comprehends she would accept it.

Anyway, I think what I'm feeling now is minute compared to what mom feels. On the Eid morning, a day before my sister passed away, she was at the hospital. She called me to instruct on what to do for the day, but she broke down and cried and said she thought that she would go first. I said every mom would think that way, I told her just to be a little bit strong for my sister who was still with us at that time.

I've been thinking about both my parents since my return to KL. While my life returned to the normal routine, I wondered what it would be for them. Their grandkids were still there then. Now that the school resumes, it is quiet.

A mother would keep a family together, that's what people say. We tried not to get the kids separated but it just does not happen at the moment. The youngest two are with BIL's sister, one with the other grandma, 2 with the father and they live not too far from one another. One prefers to be with my eldest sister who lives near my parents. That's the best arrangement so far.

A few nights ago, I talked to mom the first time after the kids left. She cried again saying that she saw my sister everywhere. I could not believe it first when she sound like she was asking me for answers on how not to have that images again. Desperate and also in tears, I tried to change the subject. I reminded her about her plan to renovate the bathroom, and I suggested that we move ahead with that fast, said I would bank in some money for that. We were still in tears but we laughed about the current condition of the bathroom. That was all I could do then. Someone told me later that I should have said that she should do the two 'rakaat' prayer and pray for my sister. I'm sure mom knows all that, she just need someone to always talk to her.

And last night, I heard from another sister that life at home almost resumes to normal. Mom gets herself busy with her cooking (for selling), business as usual, that's her passion, we know.


Blogger raggedyanne said...

this is such a heartbreaking post. condolences on the passing of your sister. al-fatihah

2:26 PM  
Blogger NJ said...

Alfatihah. Takziah on the passing of ur sister.

My beloved late SIL too was diagnosed with C after it had reached stage 4, and was given a year by the doc. And, she left us all 2 months after that verdict. I can feel you.

8:05 PM  
Blogger ninuk said...

alfatihah. thing is harder for those left behind and still surrounder by the images.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Mama22Beas said...

Thx raggedyanne

nj...yes, I read about that, D mentioned it earlier.

ninuk..we can only pray and berserah

2:01 AM  
Blogger Mama22Beas said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2:01 AM  

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